The Makeover Page 10

  “Why? San, are you kidding me?”

  “No. I needed a trip, Fe. I needed to get away. I knew if we took you, it would be another pity party. Me and Nic would want to go to the beach, in our bikinis, just to flirt and let our hair down, and you would feel out of place, so—”

  “Would feel out of place or be out of place?” Phoenix had stopped pacing and had returned to the armchair she had vacated.

  “Both. Sometimes, even though you’re the psychologist, I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to pick you up from your consistent lows. I’m sorry we weren’t there for you when all that went down with Cedric, but I am not going to apologize for choosing which friend I want to take with me on vacation. I just needed to have a good time without worrying that you’ll feel bad about the men who approach us, or not being able to dress like us. Like Nic said, if you were confident and loved yourself, even at your size, like her sister, we could roll. But you never feel comfortable no matter where we are. You are always checking yourself in the mirror and complaining about what you see. It’s just hard to have fun with you sometimes.”

  Phoenix’s eyes shimmered and this time she let the tears fall.

  Nic’s face crumpled as she threw a pillow at San. “You are one cold-blooded fish! Fe,” she continued, softening her tone. “We’re sorry, but it’s true. I always wish we can take you to more places with us, but you never have a good time. You spend half your time worrying about how bad you look and the other half upset that no one paid you any attention. Then you drink and start complaining about how you need to get in shape and how you hope some dermatologist can help your skin. It’s pitiful, Girl. We didn’t want to have to deal with all that on our vacation. We love you, Fe, but you got to love yourself. You bash yourself worse than anyone I’ve ever seen. It’s kinda…well…” Nic lowered her eyes. “It’s pathetic,” she finished quietly.

  “Part of me wants to say that I guess you’re right. But again, why couldn’t you guys talk to me about it, or help me with it?” Phoenix was still starving, in spite of being hurt to her deepest core. But now she was afraid to grab a snack from the trays of food San had ordered from D’Agostino’s for their monthly movie lunch date. Then just as swiftly, her hunger was replaced by nausea as her words hung in the air. They sounded very familiar. She was puzzled as she tried to remember why her own words were hurting her so deeply.

  Then it hit her.

  Those were words she’d had to ask every single person that ever meant anything to her in the past month. One month prior, she had said those exact words to Cedric as he explained why he had broken her heart. Two weeks after that, she had asked her mother the same when her mother had basically told her she was worthless because of her looks. Right then, she was asking her friends the same question.

  The fact that every single person who was supposed to have her back was dumping on her, abandoning her, and accusing her filled Phoenix with a bitter poison that started to take root in her stomach. It pulsed and grew until it began to eat away at every single loving, compassionate, and generous cell that had shaped the personality of Phoenix Jean-Baptiste.

  The toxic pain swirled and churned within her, as Phoenix stared at her friends. “So my needing help in this area of my life caused me to be a drag to you guys, huh?” She deadpanned, gazing into San’s eyes. “Basically, I cramp your style. Is what you’re trying to say?”

  Nic jumped up, eyes wide. “No, Phoenix—”

  But San sighed before giving tossing up her shoulder. “In a word, Fe, yeah.”

  Nodding, Phoenix rose from the armchair with a smile on her face. It was like a mask on her lips, carved out the same materials that were turning her heart to stone. “I see. Okay, well, it is what it is, right San? I guess I oughta get out of your house, before I continue to cramp your style.” She grabbed her bag and looked around for her shoes. “I guess I need to stop pulling you guys down with me.”

  Nic walked over to her, hand outstretched, but Phoenix yanked back before her friend’s hand could make contact with her arm. “No, Fe, don’t be like that. Don’t leave.”

  Phoenix looked at her sweet friend. She knew Nicola had a caring heart but was often influenced by Sandra, who had to control everything. She loved the both of them, with all of their flaws. She really did. These women had been her friends for more than fifteen years. But at the end of the day, it boiled down to nothing but the fact that they felt she was hindering them. The fact that her looks made her friends look down on her in such a way felt worse than Cedric’s infidelity or her mother’s lack of sympathy.

  “Fe, you don’t have to leave just because I was being honest with you, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but we needed to be real with you,” San spoke then looked away. San, no matter how critical she could be, had always been intuitive. She sensed she had pushed Phoenix to a place where the dynamics of their friendship might forever be altered.

  “Yeah, Fe,” Nic said in a small voice. “You always say you want help, so being honest with you about how we feel is our way of helping you.”

  Phoenix had started to walk towards the long hallway to the front door of the brownstone building San and her husband owned. But then something about Nic’s words caused her to laugh.

  She turned to her friends. “Are you for real? You both call telling me that I’m a drag, who cramps your style, helping me?” She dropped her bags. “Not inviting me on trips or returning my phone calls while you’re on the beach showing off in your bikinis is friendship? And even though you went away, I know you guys got my messages! Y’all check your phones every few minutes. So tell me how avoiding me during one of the most difficult times in my life is the right way to show me you care about me? Wow. Maybe you both and I have different definitions of the word help. I don’t know, call me crazy.”

  This time San jumped up. “You know what, Fe? You want to sulk and stomp off and have another pity party, you go ahead. Only this time, you ain’t getting me to RSVP to this one.”

  Phoenix laughed. “Funny. You were always funny, I’ll give you that. Cold, true. Judgmental and stuck-up, yes. But at least you were always funny. And it’s also funny how you’ve forgotten how many times I have had to help you. Yeah, you judge and criticize me, make fun of me, because I asked for help from you guys to get in shape, maybe to give me a makeover. I thought it was a compliment to you both that I admired how beautiful you both are and how you dress so well, making it look so effortless. I wanted some of that and if I had it, maybe I could have been a big girl with confidence and spunk, like your sister, Nic. But you chicks refused to help me, getting impatient with me, because it took more time than you wanted to spare. I have never asked you guys to help me with anything else in my entire life. I was always the one you turned to. When you needed advice, I was there. When you needed an emotional pick-me-up, I had your back. When your baby father dumped you, Nic, after your son passed his second day on earth, and you were practically suicidal, I was there. And you, San. How many times did I have to literally hold your hand through something you needed?”

  “Like what?” San shouted, eyes blazing. “I am grown woman! Since when did you have to hold my hand for anything?”

  “Oh, it’s funny how you never forget when someone does something to you but conveniently forget when someone does something for you. Do you remember when you first met David? Remember you told me how this man had an M.B.A. and you didn’t even have your GED, how it felt you could never win his heart because you had nothing to offer him? Remember how hard it was for you to go back and get your GED, after you dropped out in our senior year to pursue that modeling thing that never happened? How quickly you forget that I am the one who called the school, who walked you in there to register, who studied with you for the pretest, and helped you finish the course. I am the one who stayed up with you for several nights to help you study. I drove you to the testing site, and when you failed the first time, I helped you study the math for weeks so you could pass and get your GED the
second time.

  Then I tried to encourage you for about a full year, before you decided to take classes at City College. It wasn’t until you wanted David to propose that you really started worrying about his preference to be with an educated woman, remember? It was then that you finally felt motivated enough to go to college. Even then, I had to again physically take you to the school, help you complete the application, and submit it. Heck, I even paid the application fee for you! It was again Phoenix who tutored you through every class, practically rewrote all of your half-done papers, and helped you to study for all of your exams. I encouraged you through until the very day you graduated with your degree in Public Relations. And even now, when you need me to edit your statements and reports for your clients? You—”

  “So you’re throwing that in my face now, Fe?” San rolled her eyes. “And that’s fair?”

  Phoenix swallowed as familiar words again haunted her. “No, it’s not fair. Just like it isn’t fair for you to tell me that I can only help myself. Funny how you don’t feel that way when you need someone to help you achieve your goals.”

  San stood there, her arms crossed, with her eyes conveniently trained on the floor. “Again, it’s not the same thing.”

  “Isn’t it? You had a desire to get an education and you needed someone to hold your hand, practically drag you through the process, and I did it for five years, and here you are. I have a desire to lose weight and maybe do some kind of makeover, and maybe that would take six months tops, and yet here I am, being told you’re sick of my pity party, that I am a drag, and I don’t deserve the same help and support with my goal as I gave you with yours. Yeah, you’ve always been funny, San.” Phoenix struggled to lower her voice. “So I wasn’t as fashionable or glamorous as you both are. So I wanted some guidance. Big deal. But I guess I’m a drag for that.” Phoenix sneered. “What if I had told you that you were not smart enough to hang with me at all my college functions because you only had a GED? What if I had called you a drag?”

  Phoenix turned to Nic, who was standing in between her and San, just watching the events play out. She wanted to remind Nic of all the times she had to lend her money to help her through the effects of her out-of-control shopping addiction, even though she made thousands more a year than Phoenix as a celebrity fashion stylist. She wanted to remind Nic how she helped her to avoid eviction when Nic chose to spend her money many times on Christian Laboutin pumps rather than her bills. She wanted her friend to recollect all the calls she had made to get her an attorney, and how she had attended all the court hearings for several months. She wanted to jog Nic’s memory about sitting with her each month, over the course of a year, to hold her hand through paying her bills on time, and budgeting her monthly income. Phoenix also wanted to remind Nic of the additional year she had spent helping Nic clear her credit history. But she didn’t. She didn’t because Nic, at least, was still her friend.

  And friends should not have to remind friends of all they had done for them before getting help from them.

  Phoenix was aware that it was wrong on some level to throw what she had done back in their faces. But she felt it was equally wrong for them to be selfish in her time of need.

  Phoenix told herself that she had been forced to say those words and that she was done with San.

  Nic sighed. “Don’t be mad at San for telling you the truth.”

  These chicks are crazy. Why can’t anyone see how selfish it is to take and take from me for years, only to turn around and refuse to reciprocate the love and kindness I give them? Phoenix raged as the thoughts consumed her.

  “Matter of fact,” Phoenix whispered, “I’m finished with the both of you.”

  “You know what? This thing went out of hand,” San began, with a stricken look on her face. “I don’t even know how we got here. You were talking about this guy and whether you should call him and accept his help and—” San clenched teeth and let her statement trail away.

  Phoenix knew San was trying to redirect the conversation, just like she understood that it was San’s pride that was keeping her from admitting her hypocrisy.

  What Phoenix didn’t understand were the forces at work behind this bizarre conversation.

  Phoenix picked her bags up from their place on the floor. “Bull. We got here because I needed help and you didn’t want to be bothered, San. We got here ‘cause you finally got off your chest all the things you’ve always wanted to tell me while you were avoiding me or cutting me out of planned trips to Miami. Frankly it doesn’t even matter how we got here. Only thing that matters is that we’re here. And here is where we’re gonna stay.”

  Phoenix walked to the front door and turned to look back at her friends with a sneer. “I don’t even know why I thought you guys would ever help me. After all, what would you get out of it? Besides, you’re right. I prayed and God sent me some help. And I was stupid enough to wait this long to make use of it. Enjoy your movie date, ladies. Hope this conversation didn’t cramp your style.”

  Phoenix felt her eyes burn, as she stormed out the door, but she was done crying.

  With that, Phoenix slammed out of the building, with something churning within that she had not allowed herself to feel in a very long time:

  Rage.

  And Rage began to flip and maneuver and expand and fold and twist until it wore a different outfit.

  Rage, disguised as Motivation, is what prompted her to pull out Paulo’s business card and begin to make the call.

  On the third ring, Paulo answered with a strong, “Hello, Phoenix, I’ve been praying for you.”

  Phoenix stumbled at his warm voice speaking those words as she walked to the train station. “How’d you know it was me? You don’t have my number. Did God tell you?”

  “Nope. Caller ID.”

  Sweat popped out on Phoenix’s forehead from the heat that crept up her neck. “Oh.”

  “So,” Paulo said. “Are you ready?”

  “For what?”

  “For all that God has for you?”

  “I’m ready to be ready.”

  “It’s a start. Want to meet right now?”

  “Sure…where?” Phoenix ran to the nearest corner to hail a cab.

  “Our park. Thirty minutes.”

  Paulo hung up and Phoenix tried not to swoon at Paulo naming anything between her and him “our.”

  Chapter 10

  What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up (1 Corinthians 14:26).

  An hour later, Paulo was walking to where Phoenix was seated on the bench where they had first met.

  “Hello, Phoenix” he called as he neared her. “How are you? I am so glad you’re still here. I didn’t drive and there was an issue with the trains.”

  “As always,” Phoenix rolled her eyes to emphasize her general feeling of being fed up with the New York City Metro Transit Authority. “Funny thing is, the more they increase the fares, the lesser the quality of the service.”

  “People expecting more for less is the sign of the times we live in,” Paulo said as he sat next to Phoenix.

  Phoenix finished her cigarette and tossed it away in disgust as she thought about her ex-fiancé, her mother, and her ex-best friends. “Yeah, you got that right.”

  “And speaking of expecting more for less…” Paulo edged his chin towards the cigarette that was still smoldering on the concrete before them. “What’s with the smoking? Do you expect to achieve more results with the goals of your life with less effort? You can’t expect to achieve the goal of healthy, active living if you’re smoking. What’s the point of slimming down and getting in shape if you can’t breathe?”

  Phoenix stood and held up her hand. “Please, no lectures, Paulo. I know. I quit for five years and started back the day you saw me on the bench smoking.”

  “Hmmm. Seems…weird that a behavioral specialist, such as yourself, would go back to a behavior
you’ve already overcome. So after we do this, are you going to go and gain fifty pounds after losing it?”

  “Of course not! It was stress that—”

  “Yes. Stress.” Paulo stood and walked right in front of Phoenix, his eyes bearing down on her. She felt like a suspect in a police investigation, who was forced to answer hard questions, under the harsh glare of police lights in the interrogation room.

  Paulo continued, “It’s always stress. Stress can make you smoke after five years of being smoke free and eat the wrong foods again after eating healthy. Stress can make you lonely enough to go back into relationships we escape from or cause us to lose the great relationships we already have. Stress can no longer be your excuse because the first thing we are going to look at is how you deal with stress.”

  Phoenix felt the indignation rise swiftly from the place in her belly that housed Pride. Rage, disguised as Motivation, began to have a conversation with Pride and suddenly thoughts of being spoken down to and perceptions of Paulo’s condescending tone, began to fill her mind. “Look, maybe this isn’t a good idea, Paulo. Thanks for meeting me, but…”

  Paulo cocked his head to the side. “And just how is it that I’ve offended you when I said we’re going to examine your source of stress and how you deal with it?”

  “I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Phoenix quietly repeated what Pride shouted in her mind.

  Paulo’s eyes widened, communicating to Phoenix just how baffled he was. “What did I say?”

  Pride continued speaking through Phoenix. “Just what do you think I am? Some dummy who watches Dr. Phil to understand the workings of the human mind? I know it doesn’t seem like it, seeing how on the outside I look such a mess, and all. But there is nothing you can teach me about stress. Have you forgotten that I am a few steps shy of getting a doctorate in psychology? What can you teach me about stress?” Phoenix scoffed as she began to walk away.

  “Phoenix,” Paulo held her shoulder gently, causing Phoenix to pause and shut her eyes as she savored the feel of his hand. It was the second time that she could feel his touch radiating through her entire being.