The Makeover Page 8

  “Or motivate us.”

  Silence.

  “Phoenix?”

  “What’s your name, again? Paulo? Okay, listen, I appreciate your offer, but why don’t we just stop doing this, okay? Besides, I am not in the habit of having people listen to my problems. I am the one who studied almost eleven years to learn how to listen. Being a psychologist, I am the one they now pay to listen to other people’s problems.”

  “Even great listeners and great psychologists need to get a word in too. If you’re holding in all the stuff they pay you to listen to, and holding in all your own stuff, and not letting any of it out of your system, you know what will happen?”

  “What?” Phoenix asked the trees.

  “You will explode. And the explosion doesn’t happen like a kaboom explosion all the time, either. It can happen on the inside, where all the things that used to work well together just come apart. And when that happens, we do all kinds of things to keep it all together that never work.”

  “Like what?” she asked, leaning close. For the first time in several minutes, Phoenix forgot the problems with her face and focused on the problems in her heart. She let her eyes meet his briefly before looking down at her knees.

  “With all your training, you already know this. We can become overwhelmed and depressed and stop eating or in some cases start overeating. We can stop taking care of our responsibilities or our bodies. We end up using different habits to bring us comfort. We end up in relationships we shouldn’t have gotten into or overspend on things we don’t need. We humans keep coming up with new ways to explode.”

  A strained “yeah” was all Phoenix could manage. It took me eleven years of psychology education to learn what he just summed up in ten seconds.

  Silence.

  “Phoenix,” Paulo’s rough, grainy, but melodious voice caused Phoenix to jump. “Let’s walk.”

  With that, he grabbed her hand, stood, and pulled her until she was on her feet. Unable to bear the tingle in her palm, Phoenix pulled her hand away and shoved it into her pocket. Paulo grinned as his own hand tingled. And together they began to walk the park in silence. The air was thick, hot, and moist, making the New York August air taste like soup, while sounds of whizzing cars, booming radios, playing children, and wailing sirens seasoned it.

  Phoenix walked next to the stranger whose shoulder remained close to her head. Wow, he is tall. Cedric was tall too. Phoenix bit her lip to stay its weighty tremble.

  “What are you thinking about?” Paulo touched her arm again.

  “Why you’re being so nice to me. I mean, who does that anywhere in New York City these days? I’ve seen men walk by old women who have fallen and broken a hip in the middle of oncoming traffic. You see me crying on the bench like a crazy woman and you stop and take a walk with me? Just wondering why, is all.” And this is the second time you’ve been so nice.

  Paulo laughed. “Yes, when you say it like that, it seems…strange.” Phoenix saw the quick rise and fall of his shoulders. The carefree shrug made her relax a little more. “Who knows? Maybe I am just the answer to your prayers.”

  Phoenix stopped moving. “What? Why do you say that?” she asked, the suspicion causing an unnatural rise and fall to the cadence of her words. Did he hear me pray as he was jogging past?

  “I don’t know. You asked why I came over to see about you and I was just saying maybe there is a reason, that’s all.” Paulo stopped to look down on her. “Maybe I owe you for not helping you with your fifty bags that night we first bumped into each other a couple of weeks back. Remember?”

  “Oh, that was you?” He does remember, Phoenix thought, as her stomach flooded with delight.

  Paulo chuckled as he resumed his carefree stride. “Oh? You didn’t recognize me, huh? Well, it was me. But listen, I cannot speak for everyone in New York, or even everyone in Washington Heights. I can only speak for myself. What kind of man would I be if I’d just kept running when I pass a nice, young woman sitting on a park bench, crying her eyes out?”

  Phoenix’s heart began a jagged rhythm. “Nice young woman? How do you know I am a nice young woman?

  Paulo stopped again and turned to Phoenix with a smile that dimmed the light of the blazing sun above them. “Because you don’t cry like that unless your heart is filled with love and kindness. You have to be able to love or care about others before you can be hurt and disappointed by them. It’s when you don’t cry about heart break that you become careless and cruel…bitter.

  Phoenix’s mind wandered to both Cedric and her mother. They had both allowed their eyes to shine with tears that they had refused to let fall. “Bitter, huh?”

  “Or cruel and careless.”

  “He was.”

  Paulo turned to face the gravel stretching out before them. Somehow he knew, instinctively, that if he continued to watch Phoenix, she would again become self-conscious about sharing the story she was determined to keep bottled up inside.

  “Who was?” Paulo asked quietly, not wanting to interrupt the flow of information.

  “Cedric, my ex-fiance. We were supposed to be getting married exactly one month and two weeks from today. He was my everything and I mean that literally because for him, I did everything, dealt with everything, gave him everything, and expected everything. He was a hottie, that dude, beautiful copper-colored skin, muscles covered by tattoos, almost as tall as you. He had been out of work but he had a college degree. He was funny and sexy. He adored his son and said he adored me too.”

  “Sounds like a winner.”

  Phoenix snorted then wished immediately that she could rewind three seconds. “Um, he was. He won me over. He won use of my apartment, my car, and my funds. He won my trust, and my love. He won a potential second mom for his small son, and a won a fool for a woman. He admitted to me that he was using me—after I caught him cheating in our home. He said that he had wanted to fall in love with me but couldn’t because of the way….I am.”

  “You mean he admitted he couldn’t fall in love with you after asking you to marry him?

  “Right…” Phoenix trailed off. She didn’t want to mention that her ex-man found her ugly. She was afraid that if she brought it up, Paulo would be forced to focus on it to.

  Silence was held between them for a few more minutes. Without looking at her, Paulo continued. “You know I have to ask, don’t you, Phoenix?” his voice was as soothing as freshly laundered sheets during a scorching summer night.

  “Ask what?” Phoenix’s stomach seized. Please don’t make me admit that my fiancé told me I am ugly.

  “If I don’t ask, you won’t let it out of your system. I know it hurts, but…”

  “What? What?” Phoenix stopped walking and crossed her arms. “What? You want me to say what he thought I was? You want me to say out loud that the man I loved didn’t… couldn’t love me because I am…because he found me…”

  Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. She dug around her bag for a tissue to wipe her cheeks and nose.

  “Here use this,” Paulo said in a voice only two steps up from a whisper. He handed her the tee shirt he had worn around his shoulders.

  “Thanks.” Phoenix snatched the shirt and wiped her face. She was about to hand it to him. “Um, I don’t think you want this back.”

  “Uh, no, keep it. I have another one in my car nearby. You never know when you have to lend it to a girl to wipe snot off her face.”

  Phoenix laughed through the tears and it felt good, caused the pounding in her forehead to lessen degree by degree. “Funny.”

  Paulo chuckled. “Let’s walk.”

  They continued to walk the perimeter of the park. The soothing sounds of the birds chirping and the silence between them soothed Phoenix’s pain.

  “He said I was ugly. That I was fat,” she blurted out. “He said he tried to love me because I was a good woman, on the inside, but that he couldn’t get past my looks.”

  Paulo huffed and stopped. “Oh, Phoenix. That’s despicable. I am
sorry.”

  Phoenix was already shaking her head. “Nope. Stop it. No pity, alright, Paulo? I brought it on myself. I mean how could I have thought a man that looked like him would want someone like me, unless he needed something? He surely didn’t want me, but he did need me and I—”

  “Don’t say that about yourself, Phoenix! You’re—”

  Phoenix put her hands on her hips. “You gonna let me finish the story you begged to hear, or what? I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

  Ruefully, Paulo nodded. “Go ahead.”

  “I met him just after he finished getting an associate’s degree in bookkeeping from Touro College. He had a job at Old Navy on One Twenty-Fifth Street but was trying to break into his career. He approached me one day and I was so flattered that he wanted to give me the time of day; I didn’t even notice that he refused to speak to me in front of his friends. I guess he didn’t want them to ridicule him for approaching me as ugly as I am…”

  “Phoenix—” Paulo’s eyes were wide. “I can’t believe you would say that about yourself.”

  “Just tellin’ it like it is, Paulo. For some reason, I suddenly feel okay saying all this out loud, so let me finish, alright?”

  Paulo nodded as the Lord spoke in his heart. Be slow to speak, eager to listen…

  “So for the first six months, we would hang out at my place. We really didn’t go anywhere together. He would come over and I would help him with his resume and help him send it out, make a hot meal for him. Heck, I would even get him clothes to attend interviews with employment agencies and prospective employers. Sometimes I would lend him a few dollars. He always seemed to admire me for having finished college, for being in graduate school to earn my doctorate in psychology—which I am still working on. I even helped him by paying for an attorney to resolve issues with his child’s mother. She was vindictive and wouldn’t let Cedric see CJ unless he gave her money or did something she wanted him to do. If he was unable, she would keep Cedric from his son for weeks to punish him—”

  “I don’t understand women these days. Didn’t that woman know she was only punishing her own son more with her games?”

  Phoenix shrugged. “My thoughts exactly. So when he would come over and vent, I would try to comfort him. One day, three months into our seeing each other, I gave him one thousand dollars and told him I made an appointment with an attorney.”

  “Wow. That was kind of you, Phoenix, so soon into your relationship.”

  “Yeah. I guess I always have the desire to solve people’s problems. I hate to see people suffering and unable to get out of a situation. Guess that’s why I’ve always wanted to become a psychologist. And I’m good at it, unless of course, I try to help myself. But with Cedric, as usual, I stepped in and helped. And Cedric was so grateful. He asked me then to be his girlfriend. I remember thinking. ‘Yes, being there for him must have made him want me.’ It didn’t. It made him need me.” Phoenix spotted a bench and walked over to it to sit, already exhausted from the walk and the talk.

  Paulo sat next to her. “So?”

  “So he was awarded visitation and they figured out the child support. He had asked for joint custody and the judge told him they would revisit the issue in a year’s time. The judge said it was possible if he maintained his child support and kept a steady home, ‘cause up until then, he had always been moving around.”

  “Well that’s good at least. He had to appreciate how you helped him.”

  “Oh he did. He did. So when we won that battle, he officially asked me to be his girl. I was thrilled! Guess I thought my hard work had paid off. Only then, I didn’t realize I was working to make this man want me. But he asked, and we made a commitment, but three months later, he got fired from his job. He came in late for the fifth time in a month after going to an interview. ”

  “My goodness. That must have been frustrating.”

  Phoenix sighed. “It was because Cedric could have avoided that situation if he had simply taken the day off. But, as always, Cedric had it all figured out.”

  “Obviously,” Paulo scoffed.

  “Yeah. So to make a long story short. He lost his job and couldn’t get unemployment because it was his fault. He couldn’t hold onto the room he was renting and couldn’t pay his child support. Of course I came to the rescue.”

  “How?” Paulo leaned forward.

  “Well…” Phoenix gasped as Paulo’s beauty took space in her head, momentarily blocking out her words.

  “Tell me, Phoenix,” Paulo urged with wide, concerned eyes.

  “Um…oh yeah, lost my place for a second. Basically, I let him move in with me even though we had only been seeing each other for six months—and only committed for three, mind you. I knew it was too soon and it went against what I believed. I really didn’t want to move in with someone who wasn’t my husband, or at least my fiancé. But I loved him, was grateful to have him in my life, and wanted him to love me back. I convinced myself that I was helping him, that it would be temporary. He moved in and I paid all the bills, gave him money for him and his son, paid the child support on time so he wouldn’t get into trouble, and just tried to take care of him. I took care of him and his son along with my family and his family. I did this for over a year and a half.”

  “Wait!” Paulo jumped up to look into Phoenix’s eyes. “You mean he is still not working?”

  Phoenix looked towards the trees again. “I don’t know about right now, but he wasn’t two weeks ago when I threw him out.”

  “And you did all this while you were in school and helping your own family?”

  “Yup. Whatever they need, Phoenix is the girl to call!” Phoenix sucked her teeth. “I am such an idiot, I deserve everything I got.”

  “No, it’s just like I said. You’re a caring person, Phoenix. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Please, Paulo, don’t bother with the positive reinforcement, okay? I was a fool!”

  Paulo sat back down and patted her arm. “Hey, don’t get upset. I am just trying to get you to realize that his taking advantage of you was not your fault.”

  “Yes it was, Paulo. It was. The man used me and pretended to love me, pretended to want to marry me because he thought I could give him a hand in making a life for himself and he was right. I didn’t want to admit it to myself at first, but I knew deep-down that he didn’t really love me, so I kept doing more and more to please him so that he could fall for me. He said the words indicating love, but I knew he was ashamed of me. I knew it, knew it deep down in places I was afraid to explore. He would go out and leave me home, using my car and money. He would only want to spend time with me in the house unless I put my foot down. He didn’t allow me around his friends too often. His boys and their women would throw events and he would go without me, sometimes not even telling me about it until it was over. His excuse was that he thought I was too busy with work and school to attend. He never, ever complimented me no matter how hard I tried to look good for him. So I just gave up. And having to pay all the bills, and do all this work in my professional and personal life, does take its toll. I admit, after a while, I did stop trying to work on my outer appearance. I just didn’t have the energy anymore.”

  “But how could you? You were being zapped dry, Phoenix. It takes a lot to put extra effort into yourself when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. It takes a whole lot more to get in shape and get healthy when it’s not part of your normal lifestyle. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have an epidemic with obesity in this country. And instead of helping you, he cheats on you?”

  “Yeah. He said that I didn’t really love him, because if I did, I would have worked out. He told me that I would not have put him in a position to be with someone that looks like me if I had really cared about him.”

  “And I guess financially supporting him, getting his parental rights finalized, keeping a roof over his head, and taking good care of him just wasn’t enough, huh?”

  “Apparently not. But I can’t bl
ame him. I knew he was right the moment he spoke the words the night we broke up—which is the same night you and I bumped into each other in the building. I mean he stopped looking for work practically right after moving in with me. I said nothing. I was his sugar mama and grateful to be that, or anything, with a man that handsome. I was practically begging him to let me take care of him. And he did. It’s my fault.”

  Paulo had nothing to say to that. He wanted to talk to her about the Word of God and His plans for women and men and relationships, but knew it wasn’t the time. Instead he allowed Phoenix time to think as he digested all that she had shared with him.

  Suddenly a question troubled him. “Can I ask you something? You were here crying your eyes out today as if all this has just happened. But it happened two weeks ago. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be still hurt or that enough time has passed, but it looked like your tears were coming from a fresh wound…”

  “How…perceptive.” Phoenix stopped to regard Paulo again before quickly averting her eyes. “But yeah, it was a fresh wound. Only it was my mother that caused it.”

  Phoenix went on to discuss how her mother had treated her just that morning.

  “Lord have mercy on this woman! I can’t believe she would say those things to you.”

  “Me either, Paulo, but I am sure, as she refuses to speak to me for the next few weeks to teach me a lesson, none of what she said will come to her mind.”

  “It hurts when our parents refuse to comfort us, doesn’t it?”

  “Sure as Heaven, it does. And it’s sad because that’s all I ever really wanted from my mom. For her to love herself, love me, and have my back when I need her the most. Don’t get me wrong, she kept a roof over my head, made sure I got my education, always provided my needs, well, everything except what I need the most.”

  Paulo leaned forward and gazed at Phoenix with a gentle smile. “Love?”

  “Yeah, Man. And support. Encouraging words. Sound advice that is not based on her own bitterness and fear. But advice that will lead me in the right direction. Whenever I tried to tell her, she would lash out, then I lash out, then everything is my fault.”